yellow socks.

My mind is humming like a song on repeat, A song that keeps yelling 'would you just go to sleep', But when I'm exhausted and tired, My brain won't press pause, The reason I don't need it, is also the cause. There's this song in my head and I don't know how to sing it, I can't play it or write it, and I certainly can't beat it. It likes to come up in the worst of worst times, When I need to sleep and rest and close my eyes. The song in my head is singing so loud, I toss and I turn, But I can't get it out. It's love and lust and hurt and joy, It's like life on repeat, Playing me like a toy.

What a curse it would be to fall in love, curse as in a true dysphemism, unpleasant and derogatory. To not belong to yourself. To spend your life picturing a vivid contour of what love looks like, only for your heart to unwillingly contradict your mind and fall head first in love with the last person you expect. But what a curse it would be to never fall in love, to spend your life waiting and never lend your heart and soul to anything or anyone. To never lose yourself to passion, never share a feeling of uncontrollable emotion, never run a temperature and lay awake all night, a slave to obsessive adoration. Being cursed for eternity to lose yourself seems like a small price to pay, to live in the fulfilling world of people who have been blessed with the pain of being in love and being loved.

To embrace every little feeling you've ever fallen in love with feeling, to never regret, to love yourself fully and unconditionally, to take life moment by moment, to let the music fill your soul, to feed your desires, to never be afraid of the future, to believe everything happens for a reason, to never worry about the unknown, to challenge your boundaries everyday, to wear what you feel good in, to meditate, to be the person you feel like being, to never waste the slightest bit of time, to constantly create, to be passionate about every action you undertake, to dance around the kitchen, to sing as loud as you can, to run as fast as you can, to love as much as you can and to live as much as you can.  Then, and only then, will be the time I settle for somewhat satisfied.  

Sometimes, a song can speak louder than words, when I have a feeling that I do not have the vocabulary to express, I accumulate a playlist of emotions that reflect how I feel on the inside. Whether it be the vibe, one short lyric or an attached memory, they somehow, each in an individual way, make me feel more complete, or less bottled up. This is the playlist I have composed (and have been listening to on repeat) in the past 2 days. Which is more personal, but I have no words. Enjoy all the feelings I've been so passionately feeling throughout the weekend; 1. Rich girl, Daryl Hall + John Oates 2. Look After You, The Fray 3. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol 4. Miles Away, Winger 5. Days Like This, Van Morrison 6. Run To You, Bryan Adams 7. Still Of The Night, Whitesnake 8. Pictures Of You, The Last Goodnight 9. Everywhere, Fleetwood Mac 10. More Than A Feeling, Boston 11. Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard 12. Snap Out of It, Arctic Monkeys 13. Dani California, Red Hot Chill...

Some nights, you feel more than others. Some nights you fall asleep quickly escaping the unintended stress you put on yourself leaving no room for any other feelings. But some nights, your heart bursts open, you sit in the bottom of the shower as your feelings pour out your chest and fog up the glass, and for one small second the rest of the word washes down the drain with the rest of the wasted water running directly to the drain because you've been sitting there for just a little too long. Some days music is just music, other days, every word tells you how to feel, each rise in tempo reminds you of a time when you fell in love and the conclusion of each song brings a sudden feeling of security and relief, like you're not alone, and you have survived this far. Some mornings, your friends are just the people you recognise the most, but some mornings, some special mornings, your friends are the people who hold your life together, the faces that make your day worth persisting and...

In a world where you are constantly being told to grow, learn and mature to prepare for adulthood, never forget to embrace the things that make you feel like a child. Children are carefree, untroubled and free spirited, in other words, happy. They have wonder and possibility bursting from inside of them, escaping from their over dramatic smiles that disappear slowly as we grow older and older. Not because we are not capable, but because we are more capable, and yet less able to find happiness in the smallest assets of the world. In the moments that life seems overwhelming, imagine when you had the inability to comprehend what other people were thinking, sing at the top of your lungs, ride a bike, run as fast as you can, get a dirty bum, let your fears disappear and everything might feel a little more possible.

Monday I am hot coffee this morning in the car to school, I am salty and sandy hair (not washed since the weekend) 11 and a half hours of sleep and I am still tired, but that's how a weekend is meant to leave you feeling. Fulfilled, spiritually connected to the earth, more bonded with the faces you see throughout the day, dead but still walking, energy saving for the huge week approaching. This afternoon I am inspired by music on the tv, loving my slightly improved state of mind. I am rolled up trackie pants and bare feet on the carpet, I am appreciative of my Mumma. I am warmth, giggles and an early night. Tonight I am strong, refreshed and ready to fall in bed. My actions make me who I am, I am them. I am undefeatable. As are you.